


Disturbers of the Peace

by ProseApothecary



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: F/M, Fluff, High School AU, M/M, Retro AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-11-09 02:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20845853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProseApothecary/pseuds/ProseApothecary
Summary: Patrick is already standing there, in his too-high belted pants, letterman jacket and starched white collared shirt.“Auditioning for a Tide advertisement?”Patrick laughs and motions to David’s greased hair and leather jacket. “Carjacking?”David fixes Patrick with a sceptical look. “James Dean dresses like this. Would you ask James Dean if he was a carjacker?”“Well, James Dean has a job.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be a one-decade AU and then I had too much fun making it an anachronism stew of the 50s, 60s and 70s. 
> 
> There's no era-typical homophobia or racism (unless you count the movie Cleopatra existing), and only some vague era-typical sexism. There are a lot of references to other era-typical stressors (wars, cults, police brutality), none of them treated with the seriousness they probably deserve (really relying on the tragedy + time = comedy adage here).
> 
> This was a long disclaimer for a fic that is mostly just David and Alexis exuding cute dumbass energy.

Alexis twirls her spoon in the air. “Anyway, Steven said that I was so expressive I should focus on non-speaking roles, but he would keep me in mind for mute characters. I think I have a real shot at being in his new movie.”

Moira, sitting across from her, flips the page of the script she’s reading. “Indubitably, Jan.”

Alexis blinks at her. “Jan is your TV daughter. You mixed me up with a person who doesn’t exist.”

David slurps the milk from his Frosties. “Don’t worry. It’s probably just because she loves her TV children more than you.”

Moira looks up. “You really think I’d prefer six children? At times, two is too much. Granted, they are a blonde and cherubic bunch, but-”

“_I’m_ blonde,” Alexis interrupts.

“It’s really more of a muddy sand colour, dear.”

“Ugh! I should’ve stayed at the Kennedys’ beach house this Summer.” She picks up her pack. “Are you coming, David?”

Alexis pretends not to know him as soon as they get to school, so David walks to his locker alone.

Patrick is already standing there, in his too-high belted pants, letterman jacket and starched white collared shirt.

“Auditioning for a Tide advertisement?”

Patrick laughs and motions to David’s greased hair and leather jacket. “Carjacking?”

David fixes Patrick with a sceptical look. “James Dean dresses like this. Would you ask James Dean if he was a carjacker?”

“Well, James Dean has a _job._”

David wrinkles his nose. “Can you pretend to be a teenager and not a middle-aged father for once?”

“I mean, I _was_ going to ask if you wanted to skip class, but…”

“Why wouldn’t you _lead_ with that?”

David spots Alexis and Ted in the sharing a shake in the corner booth as soon as they walk into the milk bar.

He turns to Patrick. “Do you smell the overpowering stench of perfume?”

Alexis turns to him and smiles. “Kindly go to hell.”

Ted’s eyes visibly widen.

“I mean. As you can see, we’re currently on a date, so if you wouldn’t mind vacating the premises…”

“Oh, I don’t mind them joining us,” Ted says. “It can be like a double date.”

“I wouldn’t really call it a double date,” says Alexis. “That would be _incredibly_ insulting to Patrick. It’d be like Nixon and JFK having an affair. The sheer difference in charisma is just-”

“We’d _love_ to have lunch with you.” David interjects. “Right Patrick?”

“…I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

Alexis mouths a _thank you_ at Patrick.

David rolls his eyes. “Guess we’ll just get our ice creams and go, then.” He starts heading to the counter, saying, over his shoulder, “Don’t let the poodle skirt fool you. She is _not_ an animal person.”

“That is _not_ true,” Patrick can hear Alexis say to Ted as he and David line up. “I used to own six ponies.”

David turns to him. “I can’t believe you won’t let me sabotage my sister’s relationships even a little. If they get married one day it’s going to be your fault.”

“Oh,” says Patrick dryly, “well when you put it like _that.”_

“Ugh. Ted’s probably going to make a baby pug be the ring-bearer or something.”

Patrick grins. “_Adorable,_” he says, just to watch David’s full-body shudder.

“Alexis will definitely hire a beat poet. Maybe he’ll even write their vows. It’s going to be awful. And _you’re_ responsible.”

“Mm. God forbid the happiest day of your sister’s life not live up to your aesthetic ideal.”

“The happiest day of Alexis’ life was making out with that Elvis doppelganger. I seriously doubt her wedding is going to overshadow that.”

They reach the front of the line, and David looks up to see a banner reading ‘The Cold War Creamery.’

David turns to Patrick. “You’re seeing this too, right?”

Twyla emerges from the back. “Hi! We have some new flavours as part of our rebrand! Would you like to try our Sputnik cone? You’ll be _Russian_ to finish it.”

“No thank you,” David says, “I’d like-“

“What about the Sherbet Missile? Hiding under your desk won’t save you from _this_ flavour blast.”

“…Who’s in your publicity team?”

“Just me! I also came up with The Black Hole. I just mix a lot of flavours together until it turns inky and-”

“I’ll have boysenberry, pistachio and apple please.”

Twyla smiles, a little disheartened, and hands over the cone.

“I’m…actually curious about the Sherbet Missile.” Patrick says.

Twyla grins.

David views Patrick’s cone distastefully as they walk down the street.

“I know you were being nice, but knowing Twyla, that could _actually _be radioactive.”

“I’m sure your triple-decker is a lot healthier.”

“Ok, I’m not going to be food-shamed when you’re eating _neon_.”

Patrick stops. “Do you want to try some?” He holds it up to David, who backs away.

The TVs in a store window catch David’s eye, and he grabs Patrick’s sleeve.

“You can’t just walk past the most romantic scene ever filmed.”

Patrick watches the scene unfold. Frankly it’s a little overwrought. He prefers to watch David watching.

“David? Your ice cream’s dripping.”

David looks down and hurriedly licks a stripe up his wrist to stop it reaching his leather sleeve.

Patrick looks away the second David looks up at him.

“What?” asks David self-consciously.

“Nothing. I just don’t think I’ve seen anything distract you from food before.”

David gestures sheepishly at the TV. “Well. Liz Taylor.”

“Right.” says Patrick, turning back to the TV. “Liz Taylor.”


	2. Chapter 2

David’s still thinking about that look at breakfast the next morning.

“David,” Alexis says. “If Ted asks, can you say I gave the maids the day off yesterday, so that I could bake cookies for my family? And I’ve never heard of The Pill, obviously. And it should go without saying that I’ve never been in a Turkish prison.”

“I think he’s going to be more offended by the amount of fringe on your vest than anything else about you.”

Alexis sighs. “Do you like the jewellery, at least?” She points to her peace-sign earrings. “He invited me to this moratorium march, so I want to give off pacifist vibes.”

“Since when are you a pacifist? Didn’t you roundhouse-kick J. Edgar Hoover once?”

“Ugh, that doesn’t mean I think that we should be at war with…the people we’re at war with.”

David looks at her. “You don’t know, do you?”

“No,” she admits. “’Moratorium’ sounded like a funeral march. So I asked ‘who died?’ and he gave me this look, like he wasn’t sure if I was joking. Anyway, I found a flyer, but-”

“It’s Sweden,” David interrupts. “Everyone’s at war with Sweden.”

“God. I should call Bjorn and Agnetha.”

David hesitates. “…It sounds like maybe you actually like this guy. Are you sure falsifying half of your personality is a good idea?”

“I don’t know, David. Are you sure spending an hour in front of the mirror before you see Patrick each day and then acting like ‘you just woke up’ is a good idea?”

“Ok,” says David, grabbing his bag. “I don’t know how that’s even _tangentially_ related.”

“Oh, I think it’s _directly_ related-”

“Byee,” he says, heading for the door.

It’s only when he gets to school that he realises that, in his hurry to get out, he hadn’t even run a hand through his hair.

He slips into the nearby library to fix it, only to pause when he sees Stevie standing at the reception desk.

“…What are you doing here?”

“Returning _The Feminine Mystique_.”

He looks at her blankly. “Is that a fragrance?”

“On second thought, maybe you should borrow it,” she says, holding it out.

“Oh,” he says, disappointed. “It’s a book.”

“You really thought the library was running a perfume swap?”

“Wishful thinking. Listen, I need to fix my hair, so if you could just not look at me for the next half-hour-”

“Hey Patrick,” Stevie says as he walks in. “David’s just about to fix his hair, and he’s asked for a lot of feedback. You should probably watch the whole process so you can give an informed opinion.”

“…I _was_ coming in here for the newsletter club,” Patrick says. “But your thing sounds more important.”

“Go to your club,” says David, covering up his hair as casually as possible.

“Wow.” Stevie says. “Did a moth somehow get trapped in your pomade?”

“Oh my _God_.” David swats at his hair, messing it up in the process.

Patrick laughs. “There’s no moth. But it looks good like that, trust me. Very James Dean.” And with that, he heads off to his club.

Stevie raises her eyebrows at David. “_Very_ James Dean.”

“I think you should reread that book,” David says. “You have zero mystique. You’re the least subtle person I’ve ever met.”

“It’s not a how-to guide. Although, if a how-to guide is what you’re looking for…” She points to the romance section. “A lot of the books here are about women who swoon whenever a guy flirts with them. I think you would find them _very_ helpful.”

David makes a face. “Thanks _so_ much.”


	3. Chapter 3

If David happens to curl up that night with one of the books Stevie suggested, it’s purely coincidental.

Of course, he can only concentrate on reading for 6 minutes before Alexis interrupts.

“_Da_vid. You know what Patrick probably finds like…_really_ sexy?”

“…Have you been talking to Stevie?”

“Let’s not get off topic. The answer is ‘civil disobedience’.”

David blinks. “Well. He likes _civility_.”

“Perfect. So you’ll both come to the Saturday march with me and Ted.”

David narrows his eyes. “Normally when you’re trying to date a guy, you want me as far as possible.”

“Ugh. Ted asked me to recruit people. I need to show I have protesting credentials-”

“Which you don’t.”

“-so it seems like I care about the world, and current affairs and stuff-”

“Which you don’t.”

“-so that Ted kisses me, in the middle of a sweaty, pulsating huddle of demonstrators.”

David makes a face. "I'll go. Just stop talking."

“Yay David!”

David gives her a look.

She clamps her mouth shut and does an OK sign instead.

Alexis obviously doesn’t trust David to go through with it, because she waits with him at his locker the next morning.

Patrick greets them both with a smile. Alexis jabs David with her elbow.

David coughs. “Me and Alexis were _just_ talking about the protest on Saturday. Are you going?”

“I don’t know. What are we protesting?”

David pauses. “Why? Are there some social issues you just don’t care about?”

Patrick tilts his head. “Is this how you’re recruiting everyone?”

“Is it working?”

“We’re protesting the war,” Alexis adds helpfully. “It’s going to be super fun.”

“And also extremely sombre and dignified.” David adds.

“Huh…I had no idea either of you were this interested in current affairs.”

David frowns. “I tell you _every time_ Imelda Marcos buys a new pair of shoes.”

“I _create_ current affairs,” Alexis says. “My night with a Soviet diplomat’s son- and I quote- ‘almost caused a national emergency’”.

“…I stand corrected.”

“So?” David asks. “Are you coming?”

“Sure. What’s the worst that could happen?”


	4. Chapter 4

The day starts sunnily enough.

“_David_,” Alexis says, when he rounds the corner and sees them waiting at the milk bar. “You can’t just turn up late. This is a _very important_ day.”

“That’s a good point.” David says. “Maybe you should give us a pep talk about what makes it so important.”

Alexis folds her arms. “It’s just like…people should make love, not war.”

“Wow. You should put that on a poster,” David says dryly.

“Maybe I will,” Alexis says, glaring at David. “Maybe I will.”

“…So,” David looks at the marchers going past. “Do we have to go to the end of the queue?”

“Oh no, no queue. Allow me to _demonstrate_,” Ted says with a wink, and joins in.

David is not enjoying this. It’s hot, it’s crowded, Alexis and Ted are up ahead, making googly eyes at each other, and there’s a lot of chatty girls who won’t stop talking to Patrick.

“Ugh,” he says, when he sees a cannon being brought out. “They better not shoot confetti out of that.”

Patrick’s eyes widen. “They won’t. We should get out of here.” He takes David’s hand, dragging him out of the march, and David is in the middle of thinking that protests are not so bad after all, when his $300 jacket is suddenly very, very wet.

As soon as Patrick pulls him into an adjacent alleyway, David starts trying to pat it dry. “Ugh. This is dry-clean only.”

“Are you ok?” Patrick asks, looking concerned.

“Did you not hear what I just said?”

“Are you _hurt_, David?”

“…Not _physically_.”

“Ok. Did you see where Ted and Alexis were?”

David has no idea why Patrick is so being so serious and responsible about a water fight, but there is something undeniably appealing about it.

He peers out of the alley, and reassesses _several_ things.

Alexis has made her way to the front of the march, is soaking wet, and is holding two police shields up to protect the people behind her. Including a somewhat awestruck Ted.

“…I think she has the situation under control.”

“Huh.”

They sit down to watch the show.

When Patrick turns back to David, there’s a smile on his face.

“…What?”

“Nothing, just your hair-”

“Oh _God_.”

“I got it.” Patrick says, smoothing his hand over David’s dripping-wet strands. “Fixed.”

“Is it?” says David, feeling a little fluttery. “Are you sure you didn’t somehow manage to give me a crew cut through willpower alone?”

“No such luck. You’re still entirely unemployable.”

Patrick glances away suddenly, and nudges David a few seconds later. David follows his gaze to see Ted and Alexis kissing at the front of the march.

“Oh, ew,” David says, covering his smile with a hand. “I conscientiously object.”

Patrick smiles at him, then inexplicably, starts staring at the ground.

“David,” he says, still not making eye contact. “If we want to keep this protest streak going…I was planning a two-person sit-in at the drive-thru this Saturday night.”

“Huh,” says David, feeling _several_ things click into place. “And would this sit-in happen to coincide with the _Cleopatra_ screening?”

“It would.”

“Well then.” David tries to maintain a serious expression. “I’d be honoured to assist you in your civic duty.”


	5. Chapter 5

“We’re so proud of you, dear,” Moira says, barely looking up from her newspaper. “And you and your friends are absolutely right. Women _should_ be able to wear pants. Although I can’t say I would fight for your right to pair them with those boots.”

“Ok,” Alexis says weakly, “_that’s_ not what this protest was about. I just _happened_ to be wearing-”

“Wait,” says Johnny, pointing at the TV screen. “Who’s the boy you’re with? He’s not another cult leader, is he?”

“Kay, Charles was not a _cult leader_, he was a guru. And that ended as soon as I found out he wouldn’t _actually_ get me in touch with the Beach Boys.”

Her eyes widen. “Uh, David, is that Patrick kissing you?”

David looks up from his book and starts searching for the remote. “No. You’re mistaken.”

“I don’t think so, I’d recognise his innocent little Beaver Cleaver face anywhere.” She throws a cushion at him. “God, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were dating.”

“You’re dating someone as well?” Johnny asks. “Do I only get to hear about my kids’ partners once they’re engaged?”

“Oh my _God_. No one’s _dating_ anyone-”

“Me and Ted are.”

“Well me and Patrick are going on _one_ date,” David says. “No one needs to make a big deal out of it.”

“Understood.” Moira says. “No deal.”

“When I go with my family we only get one popcorn tub,” David says. “So this is actually a huge deal.”

“As you’re well aware,” Patrick says, handing one of the tubs over to David, “I’m a big spender.”

“I definitely got that impression when you told me you never spend more than three dollars on a haircut. Well, if we’re not protesting the popcorn prices, what exactly are we protesting?”

“Hm. The movie? I’ve heard several people over 40 tell me it’s morally questionable cinema.”

“Seems a little hypocritical,” David says. “Since we acted in some morally questionable cinema a few days ago…”

“So what you’re saying is, I’m basically Liz Taylor.”

David raises an eyebrow.

“…Richard Burton?” Patrick attempts.

“Hm,” says David, giving him an assessing look that breaks into a smile. “Close enough.”

On the other side of town, Ted and Alexis sit in the diner.

“Sorry it’s just pizza,” Alexis says, tapping her fingers anxiously on the table, “And not like, leaking Watergate, or trashing my bra. But I thought I should come clean. I’m not exactly an expert at…any of that.”

“…Right,” says Ted. “I kind of picked up on that when you asked if a birthday ballot was like a Secret Santa.”

Alexis bites her lip. “Sorry. I guess I just wanted you to see me as the hero.”

“Alexis, you were literally a human shield last Saturday. I’d say you were pretty heroic.”

She smiles. “Well so were you. Major-ly heroic. If you were a Vietnam vet, you’d probably have like, 50 badges.”

“I’m…going to take that as the compliment it was intended to be.”

“So glad you’re my Viet-man?” she reattempts. “Does that work?”

Ted smiles, taking her hand in his.

“Close enough.”


End file.
